After many a late Sunday night delivering these piping hot Roasts straight to your door, it’s finally time for Rordon to go on vacation. But there’s one more Roast coming your way before he hits the sunny island of Mallorca for something completely unrelated to a reality dating show broadcast every night at 9pm except Saturdays (the thing with Mr P. End didn’t really work out after the last Broke Monday. Note to self: throwing up into a cup on the cheese floor isn’t very attractive. Apparently.) Bon appétit.
RORDON GOES TO MALLORCA; NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE ISLAND
Rordon’s dear readers may know that his love life has not been the most successful as of late. But never fear, as he’s about to jet off to the Mediterranean to enjoy a summer of love – well, hopefully. A company reached out to ask him to try a new form of dating, and given, as avid Roast readers will know, the situations with Mr P. End and Rachel both went a little tits-up, he accepted. He’s been told he’ll be staying in a huge villa with lots of hot singles, completely self-contained with a massive swimming pool and even a fire pit! Apparently there will be some sort of activities going on during the day, but he’s not sure exactly what they’ll involve. But he’s not worried, it’s not like his every move will be broadcast to the nation on freeview television! That would be silly. Anyway, he must be off – Love Island is starting in a minute.
WOW: FINAL-LY OVER
After passing what appeared to be the national convention for people wearing high-vis with tiny black sunglasses, Rordon made it into exam schools last week. Despite forgetting his candidate number on four separate previous occasions, he finally managed to get through an entire exam without having to ask the invigilators for anything (he even remembered a pen this time!) and left into the sun, a free man.
Now he’s on to his summer plans. An internship with Daddy and a trip to Sardinia with Mummy will see him through most of the vac, although he does need to restart the Duolingo Italian soon (Level 37 he’ll have you know). See you all on the other side: Rordon’s got a rainbow to go and put up on his story.
BREAKING: RORDON GETS HOT AND STEAMY
It’s been a sweaty week for Rordon and he’s found himself getting flushed on a regular basis. We know what you’re thinking – Rordon’s always been a bit of a player, and to be fair post exams he’s been seen on the cheese floor of Atik a little too often. But no, Rordon has been resisting the urge to get with that girl from Worcester (he’s hoping that his Oxloves will eventually work their magic anyway).
Instead, Rordon has been getting hot because it’s been bloody boiling all week and every single building in Oxford, despite being colder than a fridge in winter, seems to be a microwave the moment the thermostat hits twenty. He’s vowed that he’ll finally vote in the next Union election, as long as there’s a #AIRCONDITIONING slate.
THE FINAL COUNTDOWN: THIS YEAR IN NUMBERS
Rordon’s been up to a lot this year, but it’s finally time to bid his dear readers adieu. Before he returns to wear his college puffer around his hometown even in 28 degree weather, he’s put his mathematical skills to use and compiled a brief statistical overview of the highlights of the year.
Sunday Roasts: 6
…Monday Roasts?: 2
Conversations Turned To Rowing: 263
Hack Messages Received: 17
Free Coffees Secured: 17
New Besties Made: 17
New Besties Lost Within A Week: 17
Awkward Get-Withs On The Cheese Floor of Atik: 5
Awkward Encounters in Magdalen Street Tesco: 5
Alpaca Petting Zoos Invited to College: 4
Therapy Sessions Paid for by College: 0
BeReals Taken: 56
BeReals Taken In Library: 55 (the one time it went off just as Rordon was walking home from the library was absolutely crazy)
Oxloves That Were Definitely 100% For Sure About Rordon: 37
Oxloves That Mentioned Rordon by Name: 0
Satire Sections of Student Newspapers in Oxford: 2
Funny Satire Sections of Student Newspapers in Oxford: 1
Jokes About Cherwell Made: 43
Balliols Yeah’d: 36
That’s it from Rordon for now. Enjoy that hot sun and he’ll be back before you know it (he hopes the withdrawal symptoms in the meantime are not too bad).