SUNDAY ROAST: FRESHERS FLU STRIKES BACK

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

CW: Abortion

Rordon would write you a longer introduction to this first Roast of Michaelmas, but he’s suffering from a deathly hangover and what appear to be the beginnings of a nasty case of freshers flu, so instead you’ll have to simply cope with a “hello freshers, it’s great that you’re here, I’m going to spend the entire year avoiding you”.

 

ACHOO: FRESHERS FLU CASES SPIKING

It’s that time of year again. A once-peaceful visit to the library is now punctuated by coughs and sniffles as the newest members of the university transfer every germ they came into contact with via the walls of Plush and the sticky cheese floor of Park End to poor unsuspecting second and third years who are too old, and too tired, by now to have spent noughth week within the hallowed walls of Oxford’s handful of clubs.

Rordon went to interview the latest victims of this rapidly spreading disease.

‘Honestly (COUGH) it’s just really (COUGH) reminding me of my glory days as a (COUGH) fresher and making me (COUGH COUGH) feel so much less old, so really (COUGH) I should be thanking the freshers for giving me this illness despite personally not setting foot within fifty metres of Park End, Bridge or Plush for the whole of noughth week (COUGH COUGH COUGH)’ one such third year told Rordon (with some difficulty).

‘I’m honestly not even that ill like -’ – here the interview was forced to end as the interviewee descended into a coughing fit breaking the decibel record previously set by the bass drop of the Park End main floor DJ’s remix of ‘You Belong with Me’.

Readers can be reassured that Rordon has been snorting Vick’s First Defence like a fresher who has just discovered poppers, although his throat has started to get a little tingly in the last few days…

 

BREAKING: RORDON IS A GRANDPARENT

Rordon came back after the vac to terrifying news. He’s now a college grandparent. He received the horrifying news when, reaching the brink before 1st week has even started, he stumbled into the college bar. Never normally attending the college bar quizzes, he was puzzled to discover a large crowd inside, but then made the awful discovery when his wildly irritating college child informed him that it was a college parents bar quiz and that he in fact had college grandkids.

Having spent an entire year trying to avoid one of his college kids because they were irritating and the other because he didn’t want to shark them, the news that he had four new faces to awkwardly avoid around college was devastating to a hungover Rordon. College incest just got that little bit more likely…

 

OXFORD STUDENTS FOR LIFE SACRIFICE BABY

Oxford Students for Life have caused controversy this week after sacrificing a recently christened baby named Jesus in an attempt to save the souls of all student for life members. Having been recently tarnished by other, less holy, Oxford students at the freshers fair, they felt their souls in need of saving and so resorted to the only option available to them, sacrificing one of their member’s recent babies. 

Having posted on Oxfess asking for reactions to vote on the decision and then brigading the page with their members, they made the choice to do it after a meeting of their 12 committee members. Asked about whether the decision would be controversial, one of them simply said “it’s in the bible”. 

The Oxford Student recognises the seriousness of the discussions on abortion and the feelings of those affected by the issue.

More information on abortion services can be found here:

  • https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/abortion/
  • https://www.bpas.org
  • https://www.asn.org.uk

 

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