SUNDAY ROAST: CHERWELL CRACKS SATIRE

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

Rordon has had a tough week: fresh from a bout of freshers flu, he’s woken up to the devastating news that not only may he soon be fired from the OxYou team, but that Cherwell have published high quality satire for the first time. Read on to find out just why Rordon is on his last legs (literally after his run earlier) this week. And there’re still seven more to go!

BREAKING: CHERWELL PUBLISHES WELL-WRITTEN SATIRE

For as long as Rordon can remember, Cherwell has tried and failed to introduce a satire section to its readers. Having seen the success of these Sunday roasts and OxYou’s role as Oxford’s most important newspaper section, successive editors in chief of Cherwell have tried to get in on the act. Regular readers will remember that only last term Cherwell decided to say Oh Well to satire with their new aptly named section.

Yet now, against all the odds, they’ve done it. Last week Cherwell published what was arguably the perfect satirical article about the William Morris Spoons in Cowley. It perfectly took the piss out of Oxford classism and gently ribbed those Oxford locals who live in the depths of Cowley. OxYou extends a warm congratulations to Cherwell for discovering satire and can’t wait to see more of the same.

WOW: THIRD YEARS SHUT UP ABOUT MATRICULATING ONLINE

As this year’s wave of freshers don their silly gowns and head off to the Sheldonian to be spoken at in Latin for fifteen minutes, reports are ripping through the university that third years have finally, finally, stopped talking about the fact they had to matriculate online. Back in the murky depths of October 2020, our present third years were not allowed to matriculate in person, but were instead treated to an equally exciting and significant ceremony: a YouTube livestream.

‘When I matriculated last year, the only thing I heard all day was second years telling me over and over how I was ‘so lucky’ to get to do this in person,’ one now second year told Rordon. ‘But this year the third years haven’t even let out so much as a peep about their college-branded face masks.’ Rordon wonders if this has anything to do with the fact they are now suffering from Third Year Irrelevancy Syndrome, and have lost their ability to speak entirely. He wishes them all a speedy recovery.

REGRET: RORDON RUES RUNNING

Whilst smashed out of his mind a few months ago, Rordon made an unfortunate mistake and, against his best intentions, signed up to run the Oxford Half Marathon. This was all well and good until he got an email reminding him that he was meant to be running in said marathon at the start of 0th week and realised that his summer lounging around by the pool in Sardinia hadn’t done much to help his cardio. 

Nevertheless, on a brutal hangover this morning Rordon got out of bed and threw himself down the streets of Oxford. By mile six he had slowed to a walk, and by mile ten he was being overtaken by several sixty year olds in banana costumes, much to his chagrin. Rordon has sworn to himself that he won’t enter another race ever again (read: Rordon won’t enter another race until he has one too many again).

THREE STRIKES AND YOU’RE OUT

Rordon doesn’t like to be rude about his own paper, but he’s recently been informed by his deputy editor that he’s on his so-called “second strike” after publishing the Sunday Roasts on a Wednesday evening. Now Rordon isn’t one for complaining, but his editor said that the Editors-in-Chief have ordered Rordon to be fired if he gets one more strike and it really is all a bit too much.

Rordon understands that cyberbullying the fresher he really dislikes in college in Oxford’s main student newspaper was maybe a bit too far, but it really is far too much to expect him to publish the Sunday roasts on time. Rordon understands other sections may be run by the kind of people who don’t go out, but Rordon is always hungover on a Sunday so the editors shouldn’t expect any more. Check back next week to see if Rordon’s been fired. 

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