The extra hour has been doing wonders for Rordon this week, and it seems for the rest of the university too. Not only have Mertonians almost become fun, but Oxfess has become the centre of the university’s social activism scene. And Rordon’s even managed to get the Sunday Roasts out before 10pm! Enjoy.
WOW: MERTONIANS LEAVE LIBRARY
While everyone else was tucked up in bed on Saturday night (third week seems to be hitting hard), something funny was going on within the hallowed walls of Merton College: something that, if one were to observe it with no context, looked almost… fun. Hundreds of undergraduates donned their subfusc and walked backwards around a quad for an hour in order to preserve the ‘space-time continuum’ – or so they say.
Rordon went to the scene to investigate further, and can now report the real motivation behind the event: an elaborate social experiment to determine whether Mertonians really do want to get rid of gowns. It turns out that if said Mertonians have drunk half a bottle of port each, they don’t actually care what they’re wearing. Rordon can’t wait for the next big debate at Merton to kick off: he’s heard a rumour that some Mertonians now want collections twice a term.
BREAKING: OXFESS ACHIEVES SOMETHING
There was chaos this week when, for reportedly the first time in history, an Oxfess achieved something. Rordon heard that after an anonymous Oxfess criticising someone singing the national anthem slightly too loud in the street at one in the morning, those involved in the tuneful rendition felt so overcome with shame and guilt that they sought out those affected.
Speaking to Rordon, one told him, “We just wanted to praise our king, but we didn’t think about all the kings and queens in the accommodation around us: long live them.” When the person who submitted the original Oxfess was told of this, they simply said to Rordon, “I don’t care, I just wanted to be grumpy online.” Rordon can’t wait to see what other beautiful moments of social harmony Oxfess will create in the future.
OH CR*P: CR*P
Rordon saw an Oxfess earlier this week asking ‘who sh*t themselves in the parkend lounge area last night’. Now Rordon can’t help but wonder why whoever it was (it really wasn’t Rordon this time, promise) chose the lounge area. Surely everyone knows by now that the only acceptable place is the cheese floor: you can’t notice the smell anyway.