Fifth week has arrived, and for some students it’s been made much worse by what they’ve been served at formal recently, as Rordon details below: it was all over Oxfess this week, so of course Rordon’s written about it. He couldn’t very well have original thoughts about Oxford life. Read on to see what else Oxfess has been talking about this week.
SHOCK: KEBLE SERVES TRADITIONAL BRITISH DISH
Reports have been flying around the university this week about a formal dinner at Keble College where, in a move that shocked and betrayed British and international students alike, British food was served.
‘I just can’t believe they’ve done this to us,’ one student complained as Rordon investigated the matter. ‘I spent the whole meal stressed that I’d caught Covid because I couldn’t taste anything – but it turned out they’d just served beans on toast.’
‘To be fair, it’s better than the sh*t they call ‘pasta’ here because at least this time they’re not pretending it’s good food,’ another student from Sicily concurred.
Rordon extends his sympathy to those affected and hopes Keble will discover the existence of herbs and spices soon.
WOW: COLLEGE JCR PRESIDENT BECOMES PRIME MINISTER
A rumour has been going around that an unnamed college is changing their constitution to make their JCR President Prime Minister of the UK. After deciding that the motion to make them God Emperor of the world was a little excessive, they settled on Prime Minister (appropriately, a U-turn).
Speaking to Rordon, one student of the unnamed college said they ‘weren’t surprised, as it seems anyone can become Prime Minister these days, and frankly a 19-year-old who has no relevant experience beyond going to an exclusive boarding school would be just as good as a 42-year-old who has no relevant experience beyond going to an exclusive boarding school.’
Rordon looks forward to, in the words of his ex, seeing how long they last in this position.
OH NO: FIFTH WEEK BLUES HIT
Fifth week is here, and Rordon is feeling very down on life. The work is piling up, the nights are getting darker and Rordon’s favourite fresher doesn’t seem to be quite as keen on Rordon any more. There’s still hope though – Rordon hears there are meant to be welfare alpacas this week. Check back in next week to see whether Rordon’s been cured.