SUNDAY ROAST: LOVE AT LAST

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

The end of term is finally here and as the last few days of eighth week trickle away Rordon’s had a chance to reflect on this term. Normally he’d be full of regrets by now, burdened down with the knowledge that once again his weekly trips to Bridge Thursdays haven’t led to a fulfilling relationship, but as you’ll discover when you read on, Rordon’s moved on to bigger and better things. Rordon can’t wait to see what 2023 brings: he’s already started thinking of New Year’s resolutions. Up first is only one messy get-with per week, but to be honest that might be more of just a January thing.

 

BREAKING: UNION SAYS CINNAMON SWIRLS

Fresh from the controversy of an impeachment, the Union was at it again this week when they spent £478,962.18 on providing 10 cinnamon swirls (flavoured with pear) at an event attended by 1 person. The event was heavily talked about on Oxfess, where people tore into the person responsible for the event, accusing them of burning a super yacht in front of a refugee camp.

Yet the Oxfesses were no use when said person was elected supreme emperor of the Union this week in a close fought election. Rordon hears that plans are being made to spend over £1 million on 5 pain au chocolates for the bicentenary of the Union.

 

WOW: RORDON DISCOVERS LOVE

It’s cuffing season and Rordon is officially cuffed. He’s finally found a bit of happiness and is going into the Christmas vac feeing good about life and looking forward to the new year. 

After being dragged along to a welfare talk under the misapprehension that free alcohol was being provided (soft drinks and drinks look awfully similar hungover), Rordon was surprised to meet his lover. No, not the hot ginger girl making frequent (read: twice max) eye contact with him during the session, but another, more important (and much sexier) person. As the welfare advisor running the session said, the most important relationship you will ever have in life is with yourself. So finally, after all of the drama in his love life over the years, Rordon has settled down, and to be honest it works perfectly for Rordon: he really does love himself.

 

NO WAY: RORDON BECOMES EDITOR IN CHIEF

Rordon’s had a hugely successful final two weeks of term. Not only has he found love (see above), but he also recently received the news that he is now Editor in Chief of The Oxford Student. By pure accident. See, Rordon thought he was filling in the form to apply for Section Editor, but apparently in his post-Park End Wednesday state he mixed up the forms. To be fair, he was confused as to why they wanted to know about his plans for the whole paper and not just for taking the piss out of Oxford every Sunday, but decided not to question it. Too embarrassed to say anything, he went along to the interview, bluffed his way through their questions about journalistic ethics (he was surprised to learn this is a real thing) and, having apparently impressed the interviewers, was given the role.

On the back of this success, he’s now starting a campaign to become EiC of Cherwell, The Oxford Blue and The Isis, before becoming Vice Chancellor of the University, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and finally Supreme Leader of the World. Overlord of the Universe seemed a bit too ambitious – he’s trying to be realistic about what he can bullsh*t his way into.

 

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