Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.
First week is upon Oxford, and Rordon’s term is off to a bad start. Not only has his seemingly lucrative and not at all controversial side hustle proved a complete trainwreck, he can’t even drink away his sorrows until February. Never fear, he thought, he can still seek one final comfort in the form of a filling falafel and hummus wrap. Right? Right?
OXGAG TO OXSHAG: RORDON’S ROLE IN OXFORD’S DATING SCENE
Rordon has been busy. Not only did his collections go surprisingly well (something to do with his tutor telling him not to look at last year’s paper, only for him to do exactly that), but OxYou can exclusively reveal Rordon to be the mysterious matriculant behind OxShag. In a one-off interview granted via Oxfess backchannels, he stated “a desire to outdo Edward Snowden on data leaks” to be his principle motive. The more relatable need to “spice up Oxford more than a curry at Jamals” and “cause more carnage than a crew-date in a chapel” were, at least in his eyes, added benefits. In allusion to his coincidentally named culinary hero, he apologised for “being an idiot sandwich” with regards to GDPR law, although his promise of a more digitally robust “OxBrag” for those claiming collections success does leave us wondering if his talents are best kept to OxYou.
Oxford University Alcoholics Anonymous are having a really hard time shifting their personalised stash this term. Their president indicated at a meeting last Wednesday that only five OUAA puffer sales had been made, and zero orders had been placed for the hat. In Rordon’s opinion, stitching one’s initials onto their merchandise is far more dignified than anyone wearing a college puffer back home in Sheffield, but he won’t dwell on the issue. There might be questions about where he unearthed this gem of investigative journalism.
In personal news, Rordon, Atik fanatic and regular Bridge player, is going dry for January. After a Boxing Day disaster involving Trivial Pursuit and two pints of gravy, he’s returned to Oxford with a determination to quit drinking for a straight 31 days. If Rordon can do it, anyone can.
DISAPPOINTMENT: RORDON SUFFERING FROM WRAP WITHDRAWAL
Rordon has fallen victim to a tragic change in circumstances. Earlier this week, Rordon’s rumbling stomach led him to his usual haunt in front of St John’s, but to his abject horror, the familiar blue hut was missing. A gaping hole on St Giles’, and a gaping hole in Rordon’s heart. Rordon went to investigate the matter further.
“Oxford’s favourite wrap spot has simply become too famous to remain within the borders of four square feet of St Giles’,” a source told Rordon. It transpires that a famous celebrity chef (whose name sounds strikingly similar to Rordon’s! What a funny coincidence) wants to take the little blue hut on a worldwide tour, delivering warming wraps of falafel and hummus the size and weight of a small newborn to far-flung places. Word on the street is its world tour reportedly will reach the far distant areas of the Covered Market, Jericho and even Summertown – but Rordon is devastated to let it go. The new tour would force him to walk further than 15 minutes to obtain his daily wrap fix, and, in this day and age, that is simply too far.
Thoughts and prayers for Rordon’s plight would be appreciated, and if anyone knows where he can get a decent falafel and hummus wrap whose price defies the cost of living crisis, please do get in touch.
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