SUNDAY ROAST: I AM SHARTACUS

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

It’s been a busy first week for Rordon, involving himself in important college democracy, standing up for neighbours suffering bodily malfunctions, and exposing admission corruption. Despite his bop-induced hangover, he still managed to make it to the OxStu office in the name of journalism to bring you these fresh, very serious, very accurate news stories, hot off the press. Although, he’s got to admit, all that alcohol last night is really doing a number on his bowels… he only hopes he can make it to the toilet on time…

 

I AM SHARTACUS

Rordon is not best known for his political activism (if even known at all beyond the hopelessly niche cult of OxYou readers). But with the lingering threat of an £1,000 fine in response to the unsightly defecation by an unknown student, commonly referred to as the OxShitter, if they did not come forward, he did what any selflessly foolish Oxonian would. “I am Shartacus!” he exclaimed from his window, beaming down at the college authorities in the quad below. “No, I am Shartacus!” boomed another. And so on this went, until even the sixth year medics were lured from the darkest depths of Cowley to join in. Rordon is certainly pleased with his inspiring show of social solidarity, although college authorities are naturally less impressed. As one college official summarised, “it’s a PR shitstorm, even if just in one kitchen”, and best left the matter at that. 

 

ADMISSION OF GUILT

“We gave them an offer they couldn’t refuse”, Rordon was told this week, as he sat down for an exclusive interview with an Oxford Admissions Officer. The conversation marked the news of 3700 undergraduate offers having been sent out this year, a deluge of freshers that’s said to be putting dollar signs in the eyes of Atik owners and bike thieves alike. The interview produced shocking revelations, however.

“Of course, 100 or so of the offers we send out every year are complete mistakes,” the officer told Rordon. “I’ve dropped biscuits on the keyboard, filed the wrong forms. Once, we accidentally accepted Malala Yousafzai because I thought she was Malia Obama. Oh yeah, tons of people who aren’t supposed to be here.”

It’s a bizarre confession, but perhaps a reassuring thought that those of us suffering from imposter syndrome might not be going crazy after all.

 

FUND-AMENTALLY FLAWED

In this Sunday’s JCR meeting, Rordon proposed funding for his new Oxfess-shamed refuge programme. Citing its ability to “increase diversity, equality and inclusion in the college” by adopting beloved students such as “Christ Church Puffer Guy” and “the OxShagger”, he firmly believed it to be a thoughtful use of college resources. 

But with a bureaucratic process about as long as the Najars queue on first week, it was a delightful surprise it made it so far as the debate stage. “I was just here for the pizza,” remarked one eager participant in college democracy, as another commented, “Who’s going to vote against free money?”. It is yet to be seen if Rordon himself will be included on the programme.

 

SPREADSHEETS TALLY SPREADING ON SHEETS

Owing to the historical success of sex questionnaire websites in Oxford, Rordon was not surprised to see a certain rival publication launch their own sex survey this week.

Thanks to the most newsworthy Oxford email leak since last week, the OxStu had an opportunity to report on the results before the Cherwell even got the chance to. Only when Rordon raced to open the spreadsheet, he found something unsettling.

Blank. Not a single recorded shag, bang, screw, or roger for an entire year. It couldn’t be true, it mustn’t be, but the numbers don’t lie. Oxford was truly and thoroughly undersexed. It’s either that, or nobody cared to answer a poll made by the Cherwell, but apply Occam’s Razor with care.

 

Featured Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”.