Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.
Sunday has come, and Rordon needs it. Foolishly believing that wearing a kilt at Burns night was to be the only time any balls would be exposed for the their inability to garner enough demand, Rordon has not been best pleased. Of course, one thing has been constant; his ever lacking chat in the Atik smoking area, which remains cheesier than the dance floor itself. So, tuck in, as Rordon reports back on this weeks news of Megabops and minor burns.
SECOND DEGREE BURNS NIGHT
As Rordon glared through this week’s hall menu, he was pleasantly surprised to find a typically exotic themed Oxford formal – Burns night. And so, in allusion to his coincidental (and apparently Scottish) namesake, he donned a full kilt, dusted off the bagpipes, and rewatched Braveheart “for research purposes”. Yet, despite a whisky fuelled ceilidh, in which he busted moves “that are certain to come out next Bridge Thursday”, the culinary choices of the evening were not to his liking. “It’s bloody steaming” he exclaimed, as his first mouthful of haggis seared his tongue. Later describing it as “more piping hot than the bagpipers procession”, it soon became clear that Rordon was not a fan of Scotland’s culinary culture. All in all, Rordon finished with his all too familiar cry of “where’s the lamb sauce”, leading him to conclude, as any economics student would, this really was Scotland’s Gross Domestic Product.
COLLEGE HAS NO BALLS
One college ball has been cancelled this week due to insufficient funding. Afraid to run the event on a significantly reduced budget, the college cancelled the event and confirmed that they had no balls.
Other college committees, namely those with balls, emphasised that drastic downsizing measures could have be taken to save the event. “Frankly, the committee needs to learn to take better care of their balls. They need to keep tight hold of their balls, and hopefully within a few years, all of Oxford can be there to enjoy their balls,” commented one student.
SAINT’S AND WINNERS
In this year’s Saint’s and Sinners Megabop, Rordon was delighted to find himself winner of the best dressed award. Dressing as “Christ Church Puffer Guy”, the Judges noted that “he seemed to fit all the categories of the night”, being “the greatest symbol of Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride in Oxford”. Nonetheless, the evening was not to his liking, explaining afterwards that “even Hell isn’t this crowded”, in clear reference to the Park End cheese floor, as he pushed through the scrum to the smoking area.
“STOP THE LECTURER STRIKES!”
It’s a desperate picket-crossing plea, but an appeal from Rordon that should not be taken lightly until you’ve heard his tale of woe. Whiling his night away in the depths of Atik, Rordon found himself dancing back to back with another club patron this week, and quickly deployed his smoothest pick-up line.
“I can’t believe we don’t have a lecture tomorrow morning”, he charmed.
“I was supposed to have a lecture every day this week”, came the eventual reply.
Rordon shivered at the prospect of taking home a STEM student, but clutched his drink and turned to face his dance partner.
“Aaagghg!” Rordon shrieked. “You’re my lecturer!”
“You didn’t recognise my voice?”, she replied.
“You sound so different when you’re not in 2x speed!”
Get them back to work, Rordon implores.
Featured Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”.
