Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.
Rordon loves to take sides. When people come after his precious newspaper, he’ll do anything to fight for his cause- anything but actually write his articles on time. He got so excited about the prospect of taking sides this week that he almost ended up joining in with a protest. That was until he woke up the morning after a blind date with the worst hangover of his life. A fellow campaigner told him that the government induced it with space lasers in order to silence him. Here are the Roasts.
RED STUDENT NEWSPAPER BRANDS BLUE STUDENT NEWSPAPER “COMPLETELY POINTLESS”
The vox populi is crystal clear. The blue newspaper isn’t remotely useful unless you’re wiping your shoes, the people declare, but the red newspaper… It might as well have been brought down from Mount Sinai by Moses himself. There’s a stark difference in quality, hundreds of obvious distinctions, that make the red newspaper (and only the red one) a part of the cultural zeitgeist. The blue newspaper is meaningless tosh.
“The red newspaper is a bastion of investigative journalism, pioneering the fresh technique of accompanying every article with an Instagram poll pie chart. The blue newspaper is a tabloid rag churned out by hacks. They discontinued their crossword because their readership thought it was a maze,” Rordon was told indignantly. It truly is a tragedy that we didn’t notice sooner.
THE RIZZARD OF OZ
It’s Valentine’s Day, and for Rordon that means only one thing- blind dates. Of course, Rordon was keen to show off his chat, claiming to have “established the rizzlamic state” of eager followers, who we suspect, are his OxYou devotees. But, when date night came, he was rather pleased with its aftermath. In fact, Rordon was last this ecstatic when he got a happy birthday from DD. “Love is blind,” he explained, “or at least they must be to have fallen for me.”
PRIVY OR DIVVY?
Rordon has often heard it said that incompetence can sometimes be mistaken for malice. It therefore comes as no surprise that this week’s protestors mistook the city council for an evil empire.
Did bureaucracy halt plans for Oxford train station, or do they not want us to leave? Why’s there so much scaffolding in Oxford- is there something they don’t want us to see? And why God, why did they shut down Burger King? Protestors were convinced that the council were masterminding an intricate Orwellian future for the entire city. If they’d made it to Broad Street a week earlier, they’d have looked up to see a giant reindeer left there since Christmas, and probably would’ve gone back home.
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