Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

Like Jesus, Rordon is risen. And, unlike Jesus, he can’t afford to spend his days drinking wine and befriending prostitutes. Rordon’s Trinity term will see him assume new responsibilities, according to his horoscope, but this won’t come easy. All the best things take a little longer, he is reminded, like an Adele album or the queue at Westgate Nando’s. Rordon plans to put a lot of effort into this term, ready to take on tedious tests to Pimm’s-induced Pembrokians.

A PLACE IN THE SUN

With Trinity upon us, Rordon feels things heating up. Talk swarms around trashing, Hinksey and, regularly, the term “punt” – at least that’s what Rordon hopes that he is hearing. He noticed that ChatGPT-4 left most with unlimited free time, and energy they can redirect into pushing at Bridge. Rordon even noticed biology students out of their rooms, allegedly undertaking research. Whilst Brits celebrate a warming planet, the French have decided to protest on behalf of the sun. They claim it has earned its right to retire by now, after being informed of its increased pension age. Rordon spoke to many students who disagreed with the protests, however it became clear that they were simply not pro-tests, where test is a collection not revised for. Rordon defended collections, at least the ones seen in advance.

OUT OF OFFICE

Rordon read that, like student housing, the Pentagon has suffered leaks. Widely reported to be two classified documents, he was disappointed to find that neither were his collection papers. For the first time, Rordon had not seen his paper so, for the second time, he decided not to sit them. He has since been contacted by tutors, informing him of “the need to work.” In unrelated news, tutors have decided to stop marking. Rordon pointed this out in his brash responding email: “Bit hypocritical Sean.” It was quickly identified that the strikes are not of college concern, but reflect a university-wide concern over pay, working conditions, money and pay. “Everyone kept talking about some boy’s cot”, Rordon told us, “I just presumed that they were going to get toddlers to mark stuff.” It is clear that Rordon is misinformed, since most toddlers are on strike after realising the toy cars of local nurseries are all diesel-fuelled.

COMMITMENT ISSUES

New terms overflow with new committee members forcing you to meet them. Some entry requirements include having a photo of yourself on holiday, as well as being “super excited about the term ahead.” After spending his vac attending crucifixions in Saudi Arabia to learn the true meaning of Easter, Rordon was overjoyed to realise he meets the necessary criteria. He was hoping that applications would go better than the ones for his summer internship, of which he called live from his trip, only to receive twelve nos and one number of a therapist. Rordon was hopeful because his friends could probably speak at the union, and he can happily bicker with a bunch of lefties. If cleansing from social media this vac because of new committees, TED-talks, or other religious reasons, OxYou has the regrettable update that Rordon failed to make most committees, but has been offered the role of MidlandSoc prez.

DAWN OF THE LIVING DEAN

On the topic of positions of power, Christ Church has appointed a new Dean. When asking the former position-holder about the new appointment, Rordon was met with pleasantries: “As a woman, she’s doing a great job so far.” Rordon suspects this to be a succinct comment on the struggles women face in the workplace. The ex-Dean Martyn is reported to have then scurried off quickly, as he was late for his flight to Thailand. Martyn is using his one-million-pound settlement fee to help build schools in Africa…or was it Asia? “What’s the difference anyways?” he solemnly wonders as he scuttles away. It is clear that the new Dean has big boots to fill. Rordon suspects that as long as she has feet, the new Dean should be fine.

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