Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

The second roast of Trinity is here and, like with Shrek, promises to be better than the first. Rordon’s week consisted of dodging: BNOCs, confrontation and COVID. Successful with the first two, he was overjoyed to play the COVID card to miss week one lectures and his battels payment. Safe to say, he had plenty of time to prepare the mouth-watering roasts of this week. Bon Appetit.

BIGGEST NERD ON CAMPUS

Move over ginger guy with a guitar, there’s a new Top 40. Rordon has just gone over the list of Oxford’s Top 40 BNOCs and is delighted to have not been mentioned. A sigh of relief he last felt when James Corden went to America. Like with Corden’s warm reception, Rordon was left baffled at the inclusion of two C*mbridge students. He has since been told that the key to a good BNOC list is to throw together a bunch of society presidents, student journalists and hacks. Oh, and the odd TikTok dancer. He still doubts the authenticity of the ranking; the last place result seems slightly too coincidental. First place, however, looks legitimate – yet the absence of a certain jacket is questionable. Perhaps Oxford’s number one DJ has decided to move on from High School Musical red, and create a new brand for himself. Rordon recommends blue.

MY FAIR LADY

Rordon went to the car boot sale of fairs this week: a careers fair. He donned his best polo ready to retrieve slightly misprinted tote bags and pens of exclusively blue ink. The first couple of stands he went undetected, until one woman asked why he was interested in their work. Having never heard of the company, his eyes shot around for clues. The slogan was “work where you thrive”, confusing him further. He knew it had to be either a law firm or investment company – that’s all Oxford promotes. He hedged his bets and confessed his love for money. Thankfully, for whom we are unsure, it was a finance company and, moments later, out came a gilet and Rordon was given morally questionable work experience.

A NIGHT TO FORGET

Rordon has been busy; on Wednesday alone he visited an attic in Asia, with Sigmund Freud. Wait that can’t be right…the long night seems to have merged into one as parties clashed. Rordon predicts the same thing to happen again next week when European Night butts heads with a certain student publication event. It is described to be “a party to make the headlines” which, in Oxford, is never a good thing. He will try and make both since COVID took away his taste, enabling vodka shots to flow like a waterfall.

COLLEGE COUNCIL

Despite being on school council at primary and having his communicator badge in scouts, Rordon failed to make JCR president. His pledge included plugging lights in around his college’s environmentalism board, which looks “really boring” at present. Another idea was hosting a charity sleepover in the JCR to raise awareness that people are out on the streets. Profits would go to charities in need, like WaterAid, which risks being put out of business by melting ice caps. People were smiling during his hust but, after requesting a breakdown of the votes, Rordon is not sure why. Maybe they felt sorry for him, or maybe they were thinking about the content this would give to OxYou.

Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background, with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”.