Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

Happy Coronation weekend to all, Rordon hopes the mums reading had a blast! It has been a rather royal week here in Oxford, having celebrated a returning veteran in Emma Watson, an army of soldiers at New, and the coronation of a King who would rather be a tampon. There was May Day too but that’s a celebration of the working class, and they don’t want anything to do with royalty. Hell, they don’t even want there to be royalty. Rordon will reserve judgement out of fears of right-winged readers and Ali Khosravi. Enjoy the quiche-less roasts.


Rordon spent the day eating scones in his JCR because who the hell wants a broad bean quiche. “It’s such a bad idea”, Rordon spoke of the quiche and monarchy. “A better dish selection was needed, and it’s hard when you know that Diana would have pulled through.” Rordon speculates a coronation burger, or even a royal pizza, may have got him interested. The only reason he went to his JCR was to escape the clangour of church bells. He arrived to find it overflowing with paper napkins and bunting borrowed from OUCA. Also quarter sandwiches he can only presume were cut by Penny Mordaunt. Rordon quickly realised that he was wearing red, white and blue, and hoped that no one thought it was deliberate. His college never had a photo of the Queen to remove though, and it quickly became apparent that it was a satirical watch along. A frustrating watch, nonetheless. It’s a shame there’ll be another so soon.


As Magdalen prepares to strike, Rordon is receiving new intel on New’s plans to defend their college. Instead of “wasting funds on more plays” (not Rordon’s words), the New College JCR has decided to fill the armoury with Nerf Elite Disruptor Blasters. To the New Ninjas, Rordon recommends acquiring Nerf Pro Gelfire Mythics. With no need to pick up bullets post-use, Rordon believes it would add a layer of efficiency sure to hold back the Magdalen Marauders.

Asking the New Welfare Rep for comments on the matter, Rordon was moved by the way in which the college has come together. “After a hard first two weeks, students have been struggling”, the Welfare Rep solemnly said, “exams are on the horizon, and no one feels summer body ready. We must unite and bring spirits up.” On being asked how pacifists have responded, the Welfare Rep said they’ve been transferred to Wadham until the dust settles.


Rordon had quite the May Day, staying up until 6am for the first time. A couple grams spoonful’s of instant coffee kept him going this year, though not without drawbacks. The long night had Rordon struggling in his 11am tutorial and his tiredness caused him to accidentally call his tutor ‘mum.’ Don’t think he was very impressed. Fortunately, a story not nearly as embarrassing as his friend Ligella who, after bouncing from Plush, Atik, Bridge and Parkend, ended up falling asleep in Veggie Pret. Among other strange happenings, Rordon overheard two men cackling about all the inappropriate questions they’d ask Mia Khalifa.

Rordon has always (for the time he has been at Oxford) found a special meaning in May Day, as old and young come together to celebrate…something. Rordon himself cannot wait to be a 50-year-old wading through throngs of drunken youths. At least so he thought until overhearing one Christ Church student exclaim, “Mayday! Mayday! We’ve got 15 choir boys held captive by priests in the tower.”


Perhaps you have heard that Emma Watson is coming to study next year. Perhaps you have not heard that and, if so, well done. That’s like surviving December without Mariah whistling onto your radio. It is reported that she is coming to study creative writing but the college remains unknown. Rordon worries for her privacy, but more so for her stash. “That’s a weak puffer game”, he said of her ‘EW’ initials. Rordon hopes it may stop people talking to her, thus not requiring the penalty system in place at her first school. He also wonders which committees she will join, and whether QuidditchSoc will be one of them. In the films, Hermione once said that there are more important things than books and cleverness: “friendship.” Rordon worries that she won’t last very long with that mindset, and maybe all the fuss has been made for nothing. Well, not nothing.

Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background, with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom.”