SUNDAY ROAST: POPCORN

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

Good news, this writer is not on strike. Rordon considered it but was worried that no one would notice. Instead, he decided to write about meaningful things like Magdalen Street Odeon and Eurovision. The kind of grit Stanger Things could never deal with anyway. They are all waffles and Kate Bush. Rordon made a very different deal with God, namely one with the editors-in-chief that he will report no matter how uneventful his week. Here goes.

SNOOZE POINTS

“I love Eurovision,” said the gays. Ukraine’s victory last year naturally meant that Alesha Dixon would host this year. Hopefully she would do better than her fellow BGT judge who previously started with “Bon Soir, Goedenavond. That’s good evening in French and Dutch although I’ve got absolutely no idea which is which. What even are these silly languages?” Safe to say the UK paid for that by coming in at second to last place: just one place higher than Rordon betted for. He suspects people must really hate Germany. Rordon also did not bet on Sweden taking the crown, after providing no colourful costume nor camp backing dancers. This makes Sweden the country with the most amount of wins, tied only with Ireland of course. ABBA brought Waterloo, and John and Edward (known professionally as Jedward) brought Waterline. This year the UK has failed miserably, so it only makes sense that they did in Eurovision too. Worse for Mae, she will probably be included in the next Union term card.

FORGET THE POPCORN

Much like the current government, Magdalen Street Odeon is “no longer viable.” The curtain will fall at the beginning of June, unlike parliament which will only last another month. Rordon admits he thought the cinema had already shut down, based on the overflowing rubbish bags and lack of customers. “Students don’t have the time for a two-hour film”, he professed, “but a six-part 30-minute drama they can do.” Rordon suspects Odeon would have lasted longer if it replaced three-hour Avatar with a Friends watch-along. They could even hijack JCR foosball tables and a chick and a duck from Christ Church to make it a 4D special. It seems that most, except the meerkats and non-drinkers of freshers week, are not as interested in what happens to the Odeon since this news is so irrelevant it was reserved for OxYou. Rordon is also apathetic, noting “it will only be replaced by Pret.”

A HUMDRUM HASSAN’S

Rordon had been very excited for the match between Christ Church and St Hilda’s, as they faced off this weekend in the final of Oxford’s version of the Europa League. After travelling to the depths of OX3 , imagine Rordon’s disappointment. He was subject to 120 minutes of nothing. “It’s just not Cuppers, is it?” one fan told Rordon. 

An admittedly nail-biting penalty shootout resulted in a Hilda’s victory. Christ Church’s ex-Dean Martyn is reportedly threatening legal action against the winning team, claiming their supporters were “too spirited.” It seems that the ex-Dean was not paying attention to one particularly impassioned fan on side ‘ChCh’, whose voice could be heard from Cowley.

While Rordon didn’t get the match he was hoping for, he still got beer drunk. Further, he will sleep soundly tonight with the knowledge that the ‘ChCh AFC’ TikTok (that’s been clogging up his FYP) had no influence after all.

Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background, with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom.”