This article is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.
LMH’s finest, Ann Widdecombe, has ended the cost of living crisis. The expert revealed that poor people should stop eating if they want to stop being poor. They should save the 40p cost of a cheese sandwich in order to afford their heating and Netflix subscription. Problem solved. At least regarding Cathedral city. Moving away from cheese, much to Truss’s dismay, wise Widdecombe can offer a deeper insight into saving at Oxford. Especially since students often fall in the middle of the financially struggling and motivationally inept Venn diagram. These simple steps can be followed to help anyone save money and, better still, stop complaining.
1. Get a job
True to capitalism, make more money: serve some tables, tutor some dummies. If student finance is not enough, then you need to put on a Lush uniform and start invading people’s personal space. Like the loch ness monster or Oxford’s 70% state school intake, it is a myth that you cannot work during term time. It is fake news designed to weaken the competition. Widdecombe advises you do not succumb to this, and that “anyone unemployed just gets a job. Unless you are an immigrant.”
2. Have rich friends
A simple way to save is to not spend. University is the cheapest block of education a lot of people here will see. Take advantage of this. Get them to cover your club entry, or battels. They might not even notice, for they probably thought the 40p cost of a cheese sandwich was also satire. For the record it is not, sandwiches can be made cheaper when not in Pret. All you need to do is locate the rude polo-wearing male in hall, or the female royalty, and befriend them. Before long, they will be buying your doubles in Bridge. Just start thinking of a reason for missing the Varsity trip.
3. Have no friends
On the other hand, make no friends. Do not leave your room. No financial outgoings kind of demands no social outgoings. You may be miserable, couped up on some problem sheet, but you’d be more miserable at a Union ball. Put wigs on your books, drink until you see double. Treat all social events like you would a JCR meeting, and do not attend. Food is much better than people anyway, and you were never going fit in with royalty.
4. Join the Union
The treasurer discounts all sorts of crap. You can get 5% off cafes and 10% off drinks bought between 3-4pm. So long as you were planning on an afternoon pub trip anyway, and didn’t have work to complete. The deals are only available on random days, however, so best to research the venue’s quietest day to know when they will be valid. Membership counts for life though, so you can always travel back if things get harder. Spend money on the train that you will hopefully save in Opera Café. The £300 entry free will be made back before the Union’s next vote of no confidence.
5. Drop out
The main solution is to leave. Admit that a place without tuition fees and a walking-distance Najar’s may be best. There are apprenticeships that actually pay for your degree, yet here you are studying something impractical. It once sounded enjoyable, but a global pandemic and pepper shortage later makes you think otherwise. It is tough not having enough money but there’s absolutely no chance the government will help. They’re too busy, controlling pet regulations and sixth-form syllabuses. Drop out now, before you become the helpless politician or the callous alumnus being satirised by students. Better late than never.