Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.
‘With great power comes great responsibility’, the former OUCA president read as he was removed from the group chat. This was a week of power, and alpacas. There were tory tantrums, outside of Braverman having to attend a speed awareness course, as well as the removal of iconic drug-dealers. Don’t panic, not the kebab van fronts, but the Sackler family name. Inquiries went into different power structures here at Oxford and, surprisingly, things have been done about it. Cecil Rhodes could never. Here is a rundown via Rordon’s roasts.
OUCA controversy strikes again, with the Caucasian cutie president removed after screaming at a centralist (citation needed). Rordon is fed up with student politics at this point. It’s like Groundhog Day, except instead of Bill Murray, he watches an overly defensive PPEist. Carrying the Tory torch, he is the fourth out of the last six OUCA Presidents to come from Christ Church. Rordon is currently taking bets on how many of them will end up as Prime Minister. He hopes none, but suspects otherwise. The replacement, the new acting-President, promises “a very successful term.” Rordon is doubtful. “When has OUCA ever seen a successful term?” one student commented. “It is never ending politics, Thatcher dress-ups, and sub-par term cards. It’s basically Union.” Rordon agrees, and is expecting to see the ex-president run for Secretary’s Assistant to the Librarian (40 vac hours) next term. Good luck to him, Rordon hopes it goes better than SU president.
Rordon had one lecture this week. With this particular speaker having a tendency to impose some ‘general knowledge’ questions – where general includes “What happened on the third Monday of 1672?” – he sat towards the back. One guy genuinely got up and moved towards the front half-way through. Maybe someone nearby farted, or maybe he knew 1672 well. It was done subtly though, like the folk that duck under the cinema screen on their way to the toilet. Someone lobbed a pen across the room at the same time. One better, a woman had what Rordon can only describe as an exorcism. Her ponytails clashed as she swayed from side to side. This all happened within twenty seconds. To top it off, his lecturer from last term, who is like the drama teacher that casts themselves in all the students plays, peered through the window. A chaotic one contact hour a week. He is unsure he could have done it again the next day. Rordon described this as reason 376 to be grateful for not doing STEM.
GET THE SACK
Fashionably late, Oxford will rename places tied to the Sackler family. Except the Clarendon Arch and Ashmolean’s donor board, naturally. This comes after their responsibility in selling OxyContin: what sources call the second largest source of addiction, flappy bird being first. Rordon put forward a couple of names, one being his own, but was informed his suggestion lacked the snappiness they were looking for. Instead, the Sackler Library will become the Bodleian Art, Archaeology and the Ancient World Library. It will not bear their name, so the only link really is that their money built it. Rordon said, “if I did something really bad, like run through a field of wheat, and publicly had to abandon OxYou’s three readers, you could not then ask me back under a pseudonym. You have to uproot the problem. Close libraries forever.”
Dominic Grieve has recently reviewed Christ Church governance and Met Gala outfits. On the former, he suggested restricting the Dean’s power. On the latter, who cares. Drawing parallels between the ex-Dean and Trump, Grievances is not impressed by the college’s recent form. Neither is Rordon, to be honest. In fact, Rordon is curious why such a review was needed in the first place, with most of it seeming relatively self-explanatory. “To make progress, Christ Church needs to change,” Grieve wrote in his report. No kidding.
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