SUNDAY ROAST: MONDAY

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

Rordon is late because he had better things to do. Not really, the website went down even though you didn’t notice. He used this extra day to apply for editor-in-chief next term so keep an eye on Cherwell socials. Rordon was then forced (by no one) to recount the roasts in his JCR general meeting. Many people laughed meaning if you’re not happy with this week’s roasts, you’re wrong. He asks you stay healthy amongst this week’s slightly cold roasts. OxYou doesn’t need suing in week seven, or ever.

HANG IN THERE

Tuesday was a big day for student journalists, actual journalists and GB News. They rushed down to Oxford because, amongst ongoing crises, a group of students sang Rihanna in the street. National news! They found a student gluing their hand to the floor. What they did not find, however, was the student glued to the ceiling. The police either removed the protester from the floor or mimed to We Found Love, meaning none of them actually looked up. None of the attendees noticed either, and Rordon blames this on people looking at their phone to see if they’d made the news. Up there lay a cross-legged protestor in a white tee, feeling like the Christmas ornament that’s about the fall off the tree. They never did though, and maybe that’s why OxYou is the first to report on it. A possible explanations is that the Union now has a mirrored ceiling, like that of Atik’s cheesy floor, which showed a reflection. Another is that it didn’t happen. 

CLOC STRIKES 0

The Justice League of OxBridge nerds have assembled, with their strongly-worded report leaving colleges cowering. With it came the shocking revelation that those in power don’t care about the environment. The top two colleges were St Antony’s and Kellogg, revealing an indirectly proportional relationship between relevancy and sustainability. In third came John’s, proving that you can buy environmental clout after all. Somehow Hugh’s and Oriel scored 0 out of 100 but, according to CLOC, the highest performing colleges have publicly available sustainability documents. In response, Oriel’s JCR president argued his college’s pitiful ranking was because their sustainability documents are – like the best schools – private. Rordon empathises with their reluctance to cut ties with fossil fuel companies but, like any toxic relationship, sometimes you just have to move to greener pastures. Time is ticking, arms are folding and if colleges don’t make a change, they’re sure to get CLOC’ed.

LONG LOST MARY

This week saw a decrease in lecture turnouts and vape sales. The latter has been credited to the first confirmed I’m a Celeb contestant of 2023: Philip Schofield. Rordon adds you could say he contributed to the former, for any lecture hall that has a queue Schofe would advise, you know. Philip, formerly of Philip and Holly, was interviewed sucking on a lost Mary. It feels necessary this week to clarify that is a vape. Rordon is equally unsure why it has that name, but his name is just Gordon Ramsay flipped so swings and roundabouts. Like your rowing friends, Schofe flaunted his blistered hands. He, whilst looking sweaty without sweating, gave an anti-vape advert better than any depressing NHS campaign or high-school improv troupe could. Safe to say Bridge smoking area should be clear of these for a while. And they say the news is all doom and gloom.

THE REAL FINALS

Saturday’s FA Cup final saw City edge a little closer to that coveted treble as Gundo-won opened the game faster than the Union can say ‘controversy,’ OxStu can say ‘clickbait’ or vegans can say ‘vegan’ (just giving you options). United did get back into it momentarily, but De Gea’s performance was enough to give City the edge. Man U fans, unlikely to be from Manchester, shrugged sheepishly and grunted, “we never expected to win really. But it has been a great season nonetheless – Ten Hag is taking us far. Watch.” Rordon is watching, and has been since Ferguson left in 2013. It’s the same United; Rordon gives Erik two more seasons. He is sympathetic with fans though, and draws parallels between them and his own attendance to student plays. You know it’s not going to be great but feel obliged to go anyway. Some naïve part of you hopes for a masterclass but, inevitably, you are left disappointed, wishing you had those 90 minutes back. Best to stick to OxYou summaries.

Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background, with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom.”