Another leak has come from Westminster, and it’s not from one of Boris’ children. He is not blameless though (Boris, not the von Trapp), like in cases of hungry school children when he took up fridge space to hide from Susanna Reid. His latest hiccup (a hiccup is something that happens when you eat too much, for all the starving children stalking OxYou) comes from a series of unredacted WhatsApp messages demanded for an enquiry into COVID-19 dealings. In these messages was the link to another chat – Whine and Cheese – that consisted of all the politicians you would expect. They openly discussed Oxford’s latest admissions data, and their thread has been sent to the Oxford Student.
“Boys, have you seen?”
“Love Island start?”
“No, Oxford Admissions Data.”
“Nerd.”
“Shut up @AlexanderBorisdePfeffelJohnson.”
“Give us a rundown.”
“There’s finally Asian representation.”
“What’s the percentage?”
“Just one Islander I think.”
“Not Love Island Liz.”
*@LizTheRizz was removed.
“Number of Oxford applicants has gone down.”
“Too busy Netflixing their ChatBGT.”
“Computer science was the most competitive tbf.”
“Yeah, don’t let any nieces apply for that aha.”
“Stick to Theology.”
“What did they say about music?”
“You should retrain.”
“Pov next job in cyber.”
“No, it’s like two applicants per place.”
“Excluding the ones reserved to be bought?”
“Must be. They’ll have to scrap it soon.”
“Learn that the triangle isn’t just an instrument.”
“How are private school numbers?”
“28 of 29 colleges don’t reflect the UK average.”
“What, are they better?”
“No.”
“About a third come from independent schools.”
“Oh surely that’s close.”
“No, only 7 per cent of UK attend private school.”
“How tf do you know that?”
“I have friends who are working class. Well, not working class.”
“What’s the state school figure?”
“The remaining two thirds you fool.”
“Idk, you hadn’t said grammar schools yet.”
“Oh no, they’re added to state school numbers to make it look better.”
“I mean fairs, they don’t pay.”
“They so wish they could though.”
“BTEC private school.”
“What’s the difference between them and state school then? And what is BTEC?”
“They select based off intellect. BTECs do the opposite.”
“Won’t mean much for Oxford admissions.”
“Means they can’t afford to bribe entry.”
“Just work harder lmao.”
“What are regional divides?”
“A myth.”
“Literally.”
“Not our fault you can’t spell.”
“Aimed @MattHancockandballs.”
“That’s not because he’s Northern though.”
“It said the North made up some of the admissions.”
“Some?”
“Yeah like 2% from North East.”
“What about South East?”
“20%.”
“The North was 15% in total.”
“So more people from the South-East than the whole of the North?”
“God, they must be thick.”
“Can’t see past all the Greggs crumbs. Or the coal.”
“Literally. What subject would they even study?”
“Whatever the Access schemes are churning out.”
“Least Classics is safe.”
“It’s all nonsense anyway when there is a really nice part of the North.”
“Cheshire?”
“No I was joking.”
“Sucks to be Northern.”
“*Northern Irish. They made up less than one percent.”
“You can trust them to kick off about that.”
“They’re not fair comparisons though.”
“The Scottish probably couldn’t be understood in interviews.”
“And there’s no signal in Wales so how could they even get on UCAS.”
“It makes sense that the South prevails.”
“It’s where all the investment is.”
“And the smart Eton boys.”
“Think you just mean the Eton boys there.”
“Get wrecked @SendToAll.”
“How much did the South make up then?”
“58% in total.”
“Less travel, less pollution.”
“Bet you won’t find that in the Guardian.”
“They’ll just say London’s per cent of students admitted was higher than that of their applicants.”
“Well it is true.”
“I know people though, we can get a different angle.”
“Ooh, he knows people.”
“And what will this new angle be?”
“That they are hopeful about the future.”
“Is that it?”
“That maybe the statistics aren’t where they should be, but that Oxford is going to change.”
“Because although it has historically favoured one type of person, doesn’t mean that it needs to anymore. People should not feel alone when in a crowded room, because they cannot keep up with the names they were expected to know. It is always said that students are the future, but nothing will change if the intake stays the same. Fresh opinions need to shape society, because they live in that society, and are so tired of being overlooked. And since they aren’t knocking down Christ Church anytime soon, it is time to care more about who walks through their doors. So that whoever walks out of them will not be narrow in their judgments going forward, and can look back at a time that was rich with acceptance.”
“Gay.”
*Disclaimer: We apologise for using the full name of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.
Image Credit: Anton
Image Description: Hand holding a phone with the WhatsApp logo
