Here we are, the last Supper. Rordon has some final roasts consisting of professors, societies and, for old times’ sake, the Union. They come after a week (term) of coasting by, reminding his friends at every opportunity he has no exams. So, sure, he can ostracise certain students through weekly insults. He got through most of the list OxStu gave him, and to WIB he now says (redacted). To the people at the paper, he says thank you. 300 views without you and a certain story plug may have proven tricky. This will be the last roast for a little while though, as Rordon prepares to intern at clown school. So savour the roasts, before he says farewell.
PRO ACTIVE
Mansfield have pushed the diversity boat out by welcoming white male Matt Cook to join their possie. Cook, the renowned historian of whom Rordon has never heard, becomes the UK’s first professor of LGBTQ+ history. It is thought that the syllabus will include Eurovision, Jennifer Coolidge and Celebrity Big Brother season 17 (“David’s dead,” Pollard, Tiffany). He wishes to show the relevance of LGBTQ+ stories for those who don’t watch Drag Race or haven’t seen the multicoloured bunting in Greggs. Oxford, newly famous after recognising the existence of the LGBTQ+ community, is hoping this appointment will solve homophobia. They plan to refer to this post for years to come, and weave it through all future apologies.
POPULARITY CONTEST
After an election tighter than Rordon’s trousers post-Nando’s, the Oxford Union has a new president. Rordon exercised his (bought) right to vote, but was confused at why everyone called it uncontested. Ron seems to run every term and almost never wins. Rordon is just glad he didn’t get a message from Ron after receiving texts from five different seccies lining to the same officers. After reading so many, Rordon realised what makes a good or bad hack message. More delicate than constructing a post-date text, the principles are the same: don’t be too forward, play it cool, and when it turns into a 300-word essay you’re too needy. Too short, they’ll think coffee didn’t mean as much to you as it did them. Crucially, make sure not to let it slip that you’ve copied and pasted the exact same message elsewhere. If you are going to two-time, at least keep it personal, like those who go to Labour Soc and Conservative Association which, coincidentally, is another good strategy to getting elected. Rordon is sure they will finally be the ones to make a meaningful #impact on the last bastion of free speech.
THIRD TIME’S A CHARM
After not getting what he wanted in OUCA, the ex-President decided to run for the real Tory Association: the Union. With an impressive third place finish, it seems after exhausting both the SU and OUCA, the last bastion of free speech is where he belongs. Rustication pays off after all! In a recent email circulated to all OUCA members post Union success, the new Seccie had a lot to say: “I’m glad to be moving to a fairer society that respects the constitution. If we don’t have the constitution then what do we have? Nothing. The constitution matters. That’s why I love free speech. And the constitution.” His involvement, and eventual presidential run, is expected to bode well for underdog Ron.
FAREWELL
The term has come to an end rather quickly. Avatar take notes. Rordon looks back fondly on Trinity 23, with his new ventures proving more gratifying than ever anticipated. Avatar, more notes. But the time has come for him to take a break, to have a vegan KitKat. He has the power to do whatever he wishes, but is nonetheless unsure what he will do come Monday. Probably dodge some people from primary school, entering a state of oblivion as they walk on by. Or maybe he will rejoice them if his puffer is not on. Either way, he feels ready to move on, for David Tennant to take over. AVATAR! He is ready to claim his royalties, get out the popcorn and await the rise in Michaelmas. Rordon can only hope that his successor is not a robot.
