SUNDAY ROAST: CHAOS

After a week soggier than Spoons roast potatoes, Rordon hopes this roast finds you warm and dry, especially those of you sleeping out on the lawn at Catz. The clocks went back (back to where? We’ll never know) but this does mean Rordon got an extra hour of ignoring his tute essay this morning. OxStu wants Rordon to apologise for the slightly over-seasoned roast this week, but as a wise man once said: “You’ll miss 100% of the Roasts you don’t taste – Wayne Gretzky” – Rordon Gamsay

THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONER

Mandatory anti-harassment training was out the window faster than a burnt lasagna as soon as Emma Watson touched down in Oxford. With tips and sightings flying into the OxStu inbox, Rordon had to investigate. The OxStu sensitivity training surely wouldn’t approve, but it doesn’t count as stalking if everyone else is doing it. Unable to convince the LMH porters to stop hoarding all the famous students, a defeated Rordon retired for some mid-day drinking. Lost and confused on the mirrored Pryzm floor, things look bleak until, suddenly a voice… Emma Watson! A star struck Rordon could hardly speak and she said “follow me”. Rordon couldn’t believe his eyes as he approached her booth and found himself sharing a bucket of VK’s with Mother Teresa and Hillary Clinton.

“I’m absolutely gagging for a Najar’s chicken tika panini” Hillary announced.

“But Hillary, I thought you were a devout Vegan?!” Rordon exclaimed.

Hillary looked disgusted as a she prepared to execute a flawless roundhouse kick in her blue pantsuit. “I’m sorry Mrs Clinton!”, Rordon cried as she stepped on him like a pathetic ant and walked away into the crowd laughing. “Ten points to Gryffindor”! The DJ declared. Rordon felt dizzy as his eyes glazed over, suddenly he was back on his bedroom floor. It was all a dream….or was it….

RORDON UNDERCOVER: OUDS MEMBERS MEET UP

As a thick layer of fog settles in the hushed streets of Oxford, one window still burns bright. Tonight, Rordon is going undercover to observe a cast reunion from within their midst. Posing as Cunty III, Munty’s old friend from lower fifth, he hopes to learn what it takes to be a(n amateur) Dramatic Star. The evening begins on an awkward note, as no one has started drinking yet, and though they have been working together for the past two months, the cast members don’t know how to interact unless they are comparing how many National Youth Theatre t-shirts they own. To start letting things get a little limber, Rordon suggests a drinking game. Immediately perking up, the self-proclaimed Young Bright Things (Montague read Brideshead Revisited over the vac and is now ‘golly intoxicated by Evelyn Waugh’) consent eagerly to his suggestion. After arguing for half an hour about the proper rules for the game (each believes theirs is the MOST right), they are finally ready to hurl pointed digs at each other until someone begins their monologue on the Importance of being Earnest (about mental health). The game reaches a dramatic climax when Hunty has been accused of having a ‘dusty nani’, at which point Munty suggests everyone’s favourite, Karaoke! Frothing at the mouths, scenes get gory as each member is vying to perform ‘Rose’s Turn’. The night’s curtain call comes about as Prisicilla Seraphina Beckett-Stoppard single handedly performs a rendition of all the hours of Hamilton.

RORDON RECOMMENDS: LIBRARY ETIQUETTE

After aeons of hours spent watching the goings-on at the Bodleian Library, dwelling ground of the world’s brightest minds, Rordon has come to the conclusion that aside from harping on about KeepCups and food, the librarians would be better off posting a list of general rules for acting like a Person In The Real World. To make their lives a little easier, he has drafted a list himself:

· DON’T snot all over the desks, at least have the decency to use your sleeve

· DON’T try and show the nation how strong your respiratory system is by spending a whole four hours sniffing (and hacking up fat grollies)

· DON’T finger-blast your MacBook for five hours straight, the bod is NOT the place to prove your fingering prowess

· DON’T get your grippers out, no one wants to see (or smell) what socks you’ve been wearing for the last three days

· DO observe basic human hygiene!!!!!! (seriously, even the bare minimum is already enough)