SUNDAY ROAST: OXMAS CAROLS

The MichaelBublémas Term draws to a close, Rordon’s here bringing you gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Stash (which is far more stylish and hipp-er than whatever Myrrh is). The ghost of Oxmas past returns to warn us of the dangers of not clearing your browser history. “Be not afraid!”, Biblically accurate Emma Watson descended from the sky to walk among the heathens of Oxford. We’re embracing the Oxmas festivities with a final hearty Roast for your enjoyment.

ELECTORAL EDGE
Stop the count! Union election votes are in. Both contestants edged, but one edged out the other and the margin is narrower than a diced parsnip. Challenge were unchallenged, but insurgents were still primed to bust out the camo Balliol puffers to storm the Goodman Library. No gunshots were heard, but protestors did exchange hearty jabs of free speech pelted with the elegance of an orangutan tossing shit. For many Union members this year it was a difficult tossup between voting in the Union election and slamming their head in the car door. The new President-Elect proved his incompetence and poor judgement right off the bat as he shared the Cherwell’s coverage of the election rather than ours. Impact? Challenge? Hotel? Trivago.

OXMAS CAROL
Liz Truss appeared at Oxford Town Hall to assure certain members of the OUCA that ‘misleading in the course of an election’ is a value which continues all the way up the chain. In honour of the former PM’s visit, OxYou brings you a jubilant alternative to our favourite Christmas carol to round out the term: Sing along!
“We three Hacks of Oriel are,
Bearing gifts bequeathed by Qatar,
Highgate, Eton, Harrow, Sherborne,
Following yonder pa-pa”

“Oh OUCA wonder, OUCA light,
Rhode’s ‘committed colonial’ might,
Right-wing leaning, still proceeding,
Guide us to hard Brexit blight”.

FAREWELL?
Do you hear that? Somethings wondering around the lamplit Oxford, rattling pots and pans. It is the ghosts of roasts yet to come; Rordon’s soul is ready to find a new roast host, and it could be any one of you. Michaelmas ‘23 leaves us many tender, lumpy and questionable offerings to look back on. Univ Porters weren’t on the menu this term, but Shapiro Spouts were unfortunately plentiful. So, pour on the gravy with all the abundance of SU Sabbs at the SU Sabbs event. Leave that whiskey by the fire, grin through your gran’s dodgy takes. Gorge yourselves silly. Merry Christmas you dirty, filthy, pathetic animals.