SUNDAY ROAST: SALTBURNT OUT

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

We hope this email finds you. I don’t know about you, but it’s only week 1 and Rordon’s already Saltburnt out, sleeping in a puffer that cost the same as a week’s heating bills. The chill in the air makes the shameful trudge to Collections even more Dickensian, and if you’re not already dozing off like the judges at the International Court of Justice hearing on war crimes, this Roast is for you.

Union Reporter

By now you’ll all know of Rordon’s reputation as a feared Union reporter, a kingmaker, a Hack-breaker, if you will. Rordon could tell many tales of skullduggery he witnessed under the terrible lighting of that accursed building. Once, a Hack froze in fear and immediately broke down sobbing on Rordon’s approach. He tried pathetically to illicit sympathy by bawling that his mum had recently died, but Rordon kicked him to the side and wrote a mean-spirited article about his tartan suit. Another time, a notorious Hack sprinted towards Rordon on the ATIK dancefloor and shouted “No comment”, but Rordon employed interrogation tactics acquired during his time working for MI5 and effortlessly extracted a comment from him. It’s a Hack or be Hacked world. Make sure you flaunt your cocaine addiction to gain the maximum respect from your peers, and remember it is especially important you walk into the chamber 20 minutes late so everyone gets an eyeful of the Barbour jacket you stole from your tutor’s office. It’s not easy work, but Rordon’s not an easy man.

Academic Dishonesty

It’s with some shame that Rordon will admit he has cheated on every collection he’s ever taken, pulling off Harvard levels of academic dishonesty with continuous ease. Today, he is coming clean and is prepared to share his methods with you, dear reader.

Step one: Show up to class, but instead of the standard practice of scrolling on X, browsing ASOS, or playing online chess, inconspicuously darken your screen and take notes on what the professor is saying. You might have to be sneaky about this, so have an Instagram tab poised, ready to cover yourself if needed. Step two: Look at these notes, just a few times every day, increasing the time you spend doing this a little week by week. Then, here’s the sneaky part – turn up to your collections, take the exam and walk out, Mission Impossible style. No plagiarism detector can pick this method up; tried and tested for collection success.

Does size matter?

As a wise man once said: it’s not the size of the paper, but the quality of the unfunny chicken cartoon within. Rordon says never judge a book by its cover, but newspapers are fair game. Austerity is dastardly and seems to be cutting at the very soul of student journalism; but Rordon must concede that dressing up bankruptcy as an ecological endeavour is a feat COP28 would be proud of. The ever trailblazer of journalistic practice, a sure way to ensure a 100% recycle rate of your publication is making it so unnoticeable that the porters have to dump the untouched stacks in the bin at the end of the week. Rordon feels vindicated. After all those sad high school locker room years, he can finally say: Mine is bigger.