SUNDAY ROAST: TUESDAY

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

Apologies for the late Roast this week, not that anyone noticed. Rordon was far too busy submitting un-Christian things to OxFess with his lectures at playing 3x speed in the background. We can feel that the Oxford bubble is soon to burst harder than the 2007 housing market, but with a lot less Margot Robbie in a bathtub scenes. 

Hustings

Anyone who was still under the illusion that Oxford is the crop of political vigour was swiftly disillusioned following this week’s SU Hustings. Through the audio quality of a zoom call in the shower, we watched candidates battle it out for who can say representation the most times in one sentence. Hoping that future employers will gloss over the ‘Student’ part of ‘Student Union President’, the presidential hopefuls battled it out with all the charisma of your divorced parents and the sexual tension of your divorced parents. It was finally time to shine for people whose resume includes attending one Labour conference and standing at the back saying nothing, whilst one candidate with their hand glued to the floor yelled their answers up to the microphone. Some candidates took to alternative platforms, launching their manifestos up on tinder, following firmly in the footsteps of their would-be predecessor.

Street Fighter 7

After being handed a second “you’re going to hell” calling card whilst walking innocently to his lecture, Rordon must remind himself that it’s not personal, even if it is true. The ability to absolutely command the vibes of one end of Queens Street cannot be divided between two, and, as they say in the States, the only thing that can stop one Jesus freak with a megaphone is another Jesus freak with a megaphone. Between the peace, forgiveness and burning in hell, it seems there’s always time to whack another street preacher who isn’t quite preaching on the same technicalities as you. ‘Oh dear’, Rordon thought as he watched two God-fearing men perform WWE moves on each other in the name of the Lord whilst passersby wondered what happened to their grandma’s Christianity. Who’s going to hell the fastest? Who is saving who? Tune in next time to find out.

Fond Farewell

This week we got the sad news that Oxford’s Chancellor is stepping down (no, the other one). The self-identified ‘old fashioned liberal’ said in his resignation letter that his choice to step down has nothing to do with Ben Shapiro’s new diss track but did link his response via SoundCloud. The Chancellor will be fondly remembered as a certified free-speech-lover and safe-space-hater during his 200 years of Chancellorship. His most controversial edicts include the time he campaigned to make the university an ‘unsafe space’ by compelling Proctors to say at least one cancellable word to any student with an unnatural hair colour. In another controversial moment the former Chancellor was seen blasting Rhodes Must Fall protestors with silly string from the top of Oriel college whilst laughing maniacally. As perplexing as his time may have been, OxYou can only wish him luck on the upcoming album.