SUNDAY ROAST: MID-TERM

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

If the 5th week blues didn’t get to you then the 5th week ‘Stu’s will. Perhaps it’s the impending threat of another wave of election drama, perhaps it’s because no one voted for you for anything in halfway hall, or perhaps it’s because only notifications you get are from Microsoft Authenticator. There’s just something about 5th week. Maybe this is why they call is Mid-Term.

Rordon*Cam

Looks like we’ve been granted another week of the SU begging us to enter the panopticon of student activism, clawing us down the OULC-to-Campaigns-to-NGO pipeline. The SU Campaigns are always ready to demonstrate their commitment to representing all First Gen immigrants with dual Albanian citizenship who dislike global warming, watch Drag Race and have also tested positive for gonorrhea. There is however a significantly underrepresented proportion of our student community, and this is why we are proud to introduce the Rordon*Cam, which you’re cordially invited to join. By constitutional definition, Rordon*Cam is open to anyone who struggles (or sometimes struggles) to remember to pierce the film lid of your microwave meal before you microwave it. If you feel marginalized by Itsu’s VAT, or the dishwater grime on your dining hall glasses, this campaign is for you. Nominations open now.

Be my Valentine?

Dreaming of love in the lower Bod’ (pun intended)? Shaved your entire body before the Valentine’s bop only to go home full of £3 cocktails and sadness? Rordon again had little success securing that Valentine’s love this year, maybe he should have washed the Ash Wednesday cross off his forehead before attempting to chat up Jewish women in the college bar. Upon reflection, he can’t help feeling that Saint Valentine’s eponymous lovefest erases his secondary achievements as the Patron Saints of Beekeeping and Epilepsy (sounds like a standard Wednesday night out). Roses are red, violets are pink, who wants to listen to First years make out in the Glink? Oy Vey

Rordon Reviews: The Bear (***)

Bewitched by the dead fisheye gaze of a man who looks like Timothy Chalamet gone through the washing machine, Rordon sat down to review this latest culinary drama. It’s a series which truly encapsulates the experience of ‘boy dinner’. However, Rordon is disappointed to see soft modern men these days need some soppy motivation like a deceased brother to get in the kitchen. Hailed by fans as chaotic and gripping, Rordon is unable to see anything troubling about this nice Sunday family-viewing series, and in fact appreciates the writer’s choice to use such toned down and positive language. This show isn’t without its problems, however. Despite the convincing costumes, this kitchen can be hardly considered accurate without the 30-year-old debt-ridden chef grooming the 16-year-old waitress. Rordon was also waiting for the bear to arrive and start grilling for the entire show, but alas no bear arrived, just more men. Three Stars.