SUNDAY ROAST: OXPLORATIONS

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

7th week is upon us and so is the regret. With termcards dryer than gravy-less chips, Rordon has resorted to walking circles around the lower Bod to soak up attention from the judgemental stares. A little partying ought to lighten the mood, but Rordon horrifically misunderstood the dress code of the glitterball-ball and went home itchy and dejected. Luckily there was enough rain that Rordon couldn’t be seen crying on his walk home. Why don’t the Oxford puffers have hoods??

RPG-ing

With the sun setting before Rordon’s tute ends, nightfall plunges the city into a dystopian landscape which leaves him traversing the streets of Oxford like a Bloodborne playthrough. Outside Brasenose Rordon is pursued by a quest-giver, he hurries past but only narrowly avoids taking status damage from the Keble Wizard. After dodging interactions from NPC’s staggering around under the streetlights of St Giles, he enters sneak mode at Uni Parks to avoid attacks by rabid XL Bullies. Chugging a healing potion out of his library-approved drinking container, Rordon makes it home safe to the wife, looking gorgeous as always in full Daedric armour.

Magdeleave?

This week Corpus Christi’s JCR voted to disaffiliate from the Student’s Union citing disputes with Merton over the College affiliation of local fish. The SU had actually offered to incentivise this disaffiliation with the promise of a pizza party, offering £300 to any college that will ‘remove themselves from our sight’. Away from the control of the scheming SU and the grip of the pesky EDI, Corpus has left the Single Market of Stash and is free to start deporting visiting students. They follow a wave of SU disaffiliations in the form of ChChexit and Brasenope, with talks of a potential Baliout or Madgeleave. Time to bring out the slogan bus.

All Souls for Inclusion

All Souls will be hosting an access open day to encourage applications from under-represented groups at the exclusive college, including those who have not previously owned Slaves and those who suffer from recurring Yeast infections. This drive for diversity follows complaints that the infamous entrance exam has been exclusionary to Student’s of Colour at Oxford by asking candidates to write on the prompt of words such as ‘skedaddle’, ‘podcast’ and ‘casserole’.

As well as offering Pot Noodle as a side in the dining hall, the College will be holding a walking tour highlighting the history of all their famous working-class alumni. The tour is taking place at the end of week 7 and is expected to last around 3 minutes.