Which Masterpiece with which Soup?

Just Stop Oil had the culinary world clamouring this with after making the remarkable choice to lather the Mona Lisa with a extra chunky looking Country Vegetable soup. This display is just the latest development in an emerging art of pairing liquid condiments with masterpieces of art. Our experts have prepared a thought-out list of art masterpieces and what soup a truly cultured individual would throw at them: for the refined gastro artistico reader.

The Scream by Edvard Munch: Indian Mulligatawny

Picture it: your new Oxford international friends invite you round for dinner and you’re becoming the promotional poster multi-ethnic friendship group you’ve always dreamed of. You only must leap the hurdle of politely pretending their food doesn’t feel like eating raw lava. Edvard Munch captured the essence of the pale faced local realising that the ‘British’ in ‘British-Indian cuisine’ is doing a lot of heavy lifting. The walls fall away and suddenly you’re on the serene precipice of the afterlife. Oh, the theatrics of it all.

Michelangelo’s David: Aldi Tomato and Basil

What is the perfect condiment to capture the moment you realise your boyfriend has carved a 17ft statue of you completely naked for the largest cathedral in the country? An Italian Pasta Fagioli may have been the obvious choice- but maximum stickage requires minimum quality, and for that, Aldi Tomato is the only way. Bonus points if you can launch it all the way to his privates for some minimum wage employee to scrub the marble crevasses of.

The Elgin Marbles: Thick Pea and Ham

True soup-toss connoisseurs shouldn’t shy away from controversy in the pursuit of glory. Pea and ham soup is a truly British classic born out of the smog of London with notes of 10-year-old chimney sweeps with lung cancer. This is an obvious choice pairing for a very British, always British, and rightly British art piece. The Greeks won’t be so keen in asking for it back once they smell this monstrosity.

Anish Kapoor’s Chicago Bean: Corn Chowder

A slick soup and 100 tons of polished steel is a challenging pair. A good match is something which won’t just slide sadly down the side like drunk frat boy’s piss, so something equally projectile and sticky is in order. Corn Chowder, much like Kapoor, is something seemingly only the Americans can appreciate. Also, good luck getting that off your shiny bean.

Christ by Heinrich Hoffmann: Matzo Ball soup

As the story goes, Christ foresaw every sin mankind would ever commit and still chose to die for those sins. Its nice to know that even if my parents didn’t foresee me entering a three-way gay college marriage in front of a Kebab van at 3am, our saviour did. We think this 1st Century Judean would be proud the enduring Jewish urge to eat like they’re still refugees in the desert, so we’d pair this masterpiece with a classic Yiddish chicken soup.

Lillie’s by Claude Monet: Filipino Sinigang

An impressionist masterpiece can only be paired with Filipino Sinigang soup fits the impressionist masterpiece well. We’re not really sure what we’re looking at, but the colours do make me want to lick it. It might take a while for the staff to notice that it’s been coated anyway.

Campbell’s Soup Cans by Andy Warhol:  Blackberry Jam

You think this would be an easy choice, however, Modern Art is about subverting expectations (allegedly).  Just as Warhol intended to flip around what is considered ‘art’, we hope this pairing will transform what is considered ‘soup’. In the year of our Lord 2024, why can’t a jam be a soup? Why can’t a soup be a jam? Now you’re thinking like an artist.