Sh*t’s hit the fan in Frewin Court

OxYou is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

Tensions in the Oxford Union have seemingly reached their apex, as Supreme Commandant Rordon Gamsay has declared yet another state of emergency. The previous state of emergency was declared for the duration of Hilary (short for Clinton), following the dramatic state of affairs that culminated in a military coup headed by Rordon earlier this month.

Relations between the Union Junta and administration had steadily deteriorated following the shock election victory of Baal (who has been indefinitely rusticated from Balliol since the Spanish Inquisition) over Demetrios Urughart, affectionately known as the Demiurge, in the Presidential elections. Both candidates targeted specific constituencies of Union hacks in an election characterised by volatility. The Demiurge was criticised for appealing to the confederacy of the closeted, once referred to as OUCA, while Baal somehow managed to alienate his base of primarily international students by suggesting that it was neither Israel nor Palestine, but ancient Canaan. A particularly notable moment in the Hustings was when both candidates agreed that the Union should reinstall slavery instead of working members of the committee during Vac. In a shocking run of events, Baal, condemned unanimously by every member of the Exec, managed to clench a razor thin lead of half a person over the Demiurge. 

It had not been the first shock of the electoral season: Moloch, darling of the London day-schools, was declared unfit to run after an investigation found that he had spent half the Access and Outreach budget snorting cocaine in the O2 nightclub bathrooms. Other members of both candidates slates’ were also barred from running on the pretence that they were ‘too civil’ and ‘functioning members of society.’ Some other candidates, who have elected to not be named, were unable to run as they are currently facing charges at the Hague. A source close to one of them stated: ‘They’ve spent half their careers being investigated by  some form of tribunal, the Hague doesn’t mean sh!t”

 Two hours after the announcement of Baal’s victory, he was removed from the Presidency on the basis of financial malpractice. It was alleged that his campaign was illegally financed by the ghost of David Cameron’s pig, who was enriched following the settlement of a law-suit between Lord Cameron and himself. A rather ironic way of keeping his mouth shut. A few hours following the nullification of the results, the Tribunal felt really really bad and let Baal be President again but then they felt really really bad for the Demiurge and then they needed some time alone because ‘it’s not you it’s me,’ and now everything is worse now.

Violence quickly broke out in the debating chamber. Protestors then proceeded to sack the library. In response, the US state department immediately released a statement condemning the ‘civil disturbances’ but declined to intervene when they discovered that Plush was still owned by the Union. Secretary of State Anthony Blinked stated: ‘ We may be American but there is no chance we are entering Plush.’ Their counterparts in the United Kingdom and Germany were not so explicit; there have been allegations that senior civil servants in the former had advocated for immediate military action in order to retrieve the masses of Ketamine that may be at danger. It has been suggested that they seek to give such Ketamine as a birthday present to their teenage sons and daughters that they hardly see anymore.

The ensuing chaos is what is believed to have compelled Supreme Commandant Rordon Gamsey to declare a revolt and forcible seizure of power. Occupying the bar at the break of day, there was much confusion when Rordon revealed he was not in fact day-drinking but actually seizing power from the Union administration. A source close to the Bartender had suggested that the twelve Jagerbombs he purchased beforehand would beg to differ.

Rordon proceeded to install an iron-fist rule over the society. Of his multiple emergency measures, the most notable include the opening of the bar all day; and the arming of Union hacks with actual weapons, with the direct instruction that they are no longer allowed to privately message the public on Instagram but must instead deliver them at gunpoint to the chamber on election days. Additionally, he has appointed a Politburo staffed by other members of the military junta. In order to maintain a sense of legitimacy, Rordon has declared this Politburo no different to any other slate, with its official title being the Mechanism Under National Technocratic Elected Republicanism – abbreviated to M.U.N.T.E.R.

As this former bumbling democracy withers away in darkness, there are fears that Rordon will initiate a great purge of his opponents at the union. Forty-nine members have already been officially liquidated. It is feared the next Union ball will be a show trial. For those with a taste in the morbid, it will only cost 900 pounds.