SUNDAY ROAST: SORRY FOR PARTY HACKING

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

The end is nigh- soon it’ll be time for Rordon to embark on an epic quest to return to the place beyond the edges of the known world (his hometown). Sailing like Odysseus, the glory of the lone man who has battled against Hacks pretending to know who he is, and has emerged triumphant in yapping through Tutes he did not do the preparatory readings for. Rordon can only hope his favourite Scout will remember him after the long hard vac separation. 

SORRY FOR PARTY HACKING

This week we were Party Hackin’ with far less leopard print spandex but plenty of that 2012 misogyny.  This term’s new anti-Hack measures encouraged candidates to make their harassment of you more personal, but also appears to have limited candidates’ ability to use basic Microsoft Word features. In place of the usual Hackery, candidates were allowed to circulate a long manifesto and an extra-long manifesto which includes a detailed breakdown of their Subway Surfers high scores.

Votes were counted by candlelight to increase the Dickensian feel of the whole experience, also possibly to conceal any derogatories scribbled on the ballot sheets. Rordon was convinced that RONathan would be in for the win, but his absence at the ballot seems to suggest he was disqualified on the technicality that his slate didn’t have a sufficiently sexually charged name. Out back, Rordon could see the senior Hacks shipping disqualified candidates off to the gulag via a houseboat on the Isis. What has become of us.

WONKA WONDERLAND EXPERIENCE: WONKA SPEAKS OUT

Oxford Alumni Willy Wonka has broken his silence regarding the Wonka Experience Glasgow which has been making global headlines over the past week. Speaking exclusively to the OxStu, Wonka called the event an “Avant-garde experience you aren’t possibly smart enough to understand”. Footage from the event showed crying kids being told “it’s your fault for being from Glasgow” before being given a single jellybean and told to grow up, Wonka defended these features as “character building”.

Political commentators have speculated how the event may affect the future of Scotland’s independence movement; Wonka had no comment on the matter. He did however confirm that the mystery character of the “Unknown” was indeed played by Nicola Sturgeon who came to the job through a temp agency following her recent stint of unemployment. Wonka further denied the Experience’s so-called ‘methlab’ was inspired by his LMH visits to see Nigella during his studies.

NO CONFIDENCE MOTIONS BLIGHT STUDENT POLITICS (AS ALWAYS)

Last week the SU Steering Committee was steering us off a cliff with all the grace and organisation of a Handforth Parish Council meeting. One senior officer invoked their powers to call an emergency meeting to ask everyone if they’re mad at them, followed by a secondary emergency meeting to again confirm that no one is mad at them. There were further procedural motions to introduce a laugh-track to all future meetings to release attendees from the burden of providing one.

No confidence motions were raised by disgruntled voters opposed to being called “anti Union White Queers” during the election process, emphasising that their great grandad was actually Spanish, or at least looked it. The statement-maker in question has apologised and amended their statement to “anti Union Queers of Other Mixed and Multi-ethnic descent”, in response. Rordon hopes that blackhole everyone’s talking about will manifest to swallow us all up soon.