SUNDAY ROAST: HILARY PILLORY

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

We’re finally free from the Hilary Pillory where we’ve been thoroughly punished for our Hilary hubris. Of course, Rordon couldn’t be allowed to escape in peace without being forcibly reminded that women exist. To mark this International Women’s Day, he shared at least one pink-looking infographic he didn’t read and shouted his compliments extra loud at women in the street.

Before we all head home Rordon wants to say thank you. Firstly, to his loyal readers, but especially to all those who cocked it up badly enough this term to end up as content. This term’s shenanigans certainly could call for an Oscar’s style shortlist, but Rordon fears the capabilities of the deep-slate.  See you on the flip-side!

Makers of OxShag launch OxScrap App

The makers of OxShag have returned with a new app, OxScrap. Afterall, the best sex you have is invariably with people you absolutely cannot stand in daylight. This new revolutionary ‘hating app’ is designed to acknowledge that the astronomical levels of sexual tension at Oxford can only be sufficiently quelled through a brawl. All enrolled university members will be automatically enrolled in a database where members can pay £3 to access all their personal opinions and liked tweets. The app will match students with staunch opinions on hot topics such as the Middle East, LGBTQ rights, and the correct pronunciation of Linacre. Users will also have the option to purchase a premium subscription, which will feature a ‘Super-hate’ function which will allow them to send ahead sparring words.

Keeping up with Kate

In line with the time-honoured journalistic tradition of demanding access to the intimate lives of women and their bodies, OxYou has investigated (investikated?) the disappearance of the Princess of Wales. There were all sorts of speculation behind her absence for Rordon to investigate. Firstly, he was tipped off that Princess Kate will appear as Union President next term. On entering the building however, Rordon was mistaken for a secretary’s committee candidate and quickly escorted out before he could read the notice board. Rordon wondered if Kate was pulling a Beyonce move and laying low ahead of her new album, or maybe an appearance at Glasto? Eventually he had to confront the dark possibility that Princess Kate has been AI generated the entire time and Palace expenditure on Prince Andrew’s lawyer fees meant they can no longer afford the AI software subscription.

Dear Mr Oxford: A letter

In a darkened bedroom, empty and sterile, Rordon sits to write his letter. As he uncaps his pen the cold light of the moon meets the warm glow of a candle, casting a painterly hue across the young scholar’s face.

‘Dear Mr Oxford,

As I end my third year at your most esteemed establishment, I write this letter to you. I write this letter in lament, lamenting the fact that over the course of my degree I have packed and unpacked my humble lodgings a grand total of eighteen times!  

I assumed that over the years this process would make sense, become a routine habit. Something one just has to do! I assumed that it would become natural to live out of bags, straddling home and college.

However, I regret to inform you that this has not been the case. It still seems that each term the wound is opened anew, old fears re-hashed. Will this fit in the car, and for goodness sake, where did I put that charger?!

I am writing simply to express the truth to you, good Mr. Oxford Sir, that your current system is a colossal pain in the ass. I understand that, you do not want your beautiful city crammed and filled with students of the smelliest variety, all the year round. But, I am asking you humbly, please Mr. Oxford, take pity on my poor soul.

Tortured and exhausted as always,
Yours,
Rordon Gamsay.’