Taylor Swift to speak in Oxford

Following an investigation by The Oxford Student, it can be revealed that Taylor Swift will be coming to speak in Oxford next term. The international pop star, on tour in the UK from the 7th to the 23rd of June, will be addressing students at the Oxford Onion.

Swift will be singing in Edinburgh from the 7th to the 9th, in Liverpool from the 13th to the 15th, in Cardiff on the 18th and in London from the 21st to the 23rd, and again in August. According to exclusive sources, the pop star should come talk in Oxford between her Edinburgh and Liverpool shows, at the beginning of 8th week.

It is speculated that this talk may be linked to an intention to make a potential bid for the role of Chancellor, a position for which she has previously shown interest.

Naturally, the Grade I listed Radcliffe Observatory will be slated for demolition in order for Swift to land her private jet in Central Oxford. Thames Valley Police have also warned the public not to be alarmed when howls of unparalleled fervor are heard at Frewin Court.

Sources close to the President of the Onion also added that Swift has recomposed ‘Lover’, adding in the names of the committee hopefuls.

When asked to comment on this, Swift’s press office instead attached a picture of Swift beachside with the Oxford Onion President-elect. It remains yet to be seen how these developments will affect the President’s committee attendance.

Shay Kitoff, a student at Worcester College, commented: “This will really improve student welfare. Seeing your favourite artist discuss their life, maybe sing a song or two, might really help you get rid of the haters.”

A senior Onion source also remarked: “Taylor has the unique ability to unite fans and haters alike in outbursts of mass hysteria, which is just what our deeply divided debate society needs.”

An unnamed student, but one who stated he did have a proclivity for red scarves, said: “I don’t get all the hype. She is ultimately like, just… a person. Like, god, can’t people just have other wildest dreams?”

A fourth student, at Magdalen College, said: “I can’t believe the Union has made my dreams come true – they’ve finally found the invisible string tying me to Taylor. I never thought I would say this, but the hacks have given me peace for evermore. They’re such anti-heroes!”

For those queueing for the event, we say only one thing – all you have to do is stay.