SUNDAY ROAST: DEEP BREATHS

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

This week Rordons swapped confections for collections, and is grinding harder than a pestle and mortar. The cold shock of Noughth week has us all wondering “where did the time go?”, and “why didn’t my mum teach me how to iron a shirt collar?” (she did). We return to Oxford with the shocking news of ATIK’s impending demise, and all eyes look to the SU’s newly vacant building as a new potential pop-night procrastination venue. The rivers may still be bursting their banks, but unlike the Thames there’s no E-Coli in this Roast, so eat it before it gets cold (or don’t, I’m not your mum).

EXCLUSIVE: SU PRESIDENT TAKES DEEP BREATH

In this exclusive report OxYou can reveal that on the 20th of April, at approximately 10:20am, the President of Oxford’s Students Union took a breath in. This information, leaked via obsessive stalking, confirms earlier reports that members of the SU’s Sabbatical team were seen respiring out in public last week. 

It remains unknown whether this is an isolated incident, or whether the SU’s President has taken any subsequent breaths since.

This latest revelation comes at a crucial time for the SU, which is currently closed to undergo a transformation period. The SU had not previously stated if breathing was amongst the continuing essential services during this period. The Sabbatical team has been contacted for a comment, OxYou anticipates this may induce further, rapid, taking of breaths. Follow for updates.

OXFORD TO DISQUALIFY “ANNOYING” CANDIDATES IN CHANCELLOR ELECTION

Emails not leaked to OxYou have revealed that Oxford University will disqualify “annoying” people from the upcoming Chancellorship election. This will likely disqualify speculated candidates Boris Johnson and Theresa May, but potentially open the floor for rumoured contender Imran Khan, who has been described by cellmates as more vexatious than annoying. 

This recent move by Oxford is likely an attempt to bring new personality to the historic role, which has previously been held by some of history’s most annoying characters. The news has incited fresh rows in Parliament with renewed calls to enshrine “annoying” as a protected characteristic under the Equalities Act, which would grant it the same status in law as Race, Gender and Sexuality. This was accompanied by online rantings by an MP/former Oxford Don who called upon the University to judge potential candidates, “not by the colour of their skin, nor by the content of their character”.

RADCLIFFE CAMERA TO GET NEW ‘UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIRS’ AFTER COUNTER-DONATION.

Last term, the OxStu News Team reported on the installation of 300 new ‘comfortable chairs’ for students studying in Radcliffe Camera. OxYou’s News Team can now exclusively reveal that an anonymous counter-doner has promised to match the donation with double the amount of ‘uncomfortable chairs’. The anonymous donor told OxYou that they hope these chairs will encourage students to work on their glute strength, whilst serving as a salient reminder of the early days of the RadCam’s history when comfort had not yet been invented. 

Due to insufficient space to accommodate all these incoming chairs, the Radcliffe Camera is set to implement ‘uncomfortable hours’ during which the chairs will be periodically swapped out. Booking slots for the comfortable chairs will be first offered to children of University donors, before being made available to students with Alumni parents.