SUNDAY ROAST: THE SEVEN CIRCLES OF HACK

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

Rordon woke up on the wrong side of the crater this morning, having spent the weekend casually pre-drinking for May Day. They say the first week of marriage is the hardest, and if Oxford is anything to go by then Rordon would rather stay celibate for life. 

Rordon didn’t get to see Pelosi in person this week, but did get a glimpse of a crowd of her adoring fans chanting outside the Union. Must be a popular woman! The SU’s new report highlighted unsurprising major inequalities between Colleges, such as “Athenian festival of the gods” being a way cooler Ball theme than “Willy Wonker”. Lastly, Rordon wants to thank all his adoring fans for all the BNOC list nominations, I think we’ve really got it this time!

THE SEVEN CIRCLES OF HACK

Rordon can reveal that a new Hacking technique, more dastardly than any before, has been unleashed in Oxford. It starts when that one person adds you to their, personal, non-Hack, Instagram account…. But alas! This non-Hack account is really a ruse to convince you that you’ve surpassed Hackee status. What you have in fact been added by is merely a well-crafted secondary Hack account, one of 7 in fact.

This new tactic is understood to be an advanced form of Hacking which Rordon is calling  ‘The 7 circles of Hack’. Only once you’ve surpassed all 6 circles can you really, potentially know the true man behind the Instagram (and what their Spotify top 5 really are).

NOT QUITE SOPHIE ELLIS-BEXTOR

Ring the bells! Ring the Bells! ATIK has finally fallen…

Rordon reports that at the end of June, Oxford’s crustiest nightclub is set to close its doors for good. All around the city, young Oxonians are mourning the loss of this significant heritage site. To get a better understanding of the city’s grief, Rordon has decided to conduct interviews around the Cornmarket street area. Here is a summary of the results:

Overall, most people are upset by the fact that they will no longer have a space in which they can go absolutely (and unnecessarily) ballistic. As one young chap said, after a week of intense abnegation and social deprivation in what can only be described as an academic cell, the underground tunes and dark, claustrophobic pit of human flesh is a precious release. As another young Oxonian stated: ‘Really, I think its catastrophic that ATIK is closing down- I mean, I only really went clubbing once a term, and I was molested on the cheesefloor, and yes, I did hate every second of it- but realistically, I am going to miss ATIK so incredibly much. Where are me and my friends going to pretend to have fun now?’