SUNDAY ROAST: ALPACA SPECTACULA

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory, nor does it reflect any political stance of the Oxford Student.

Sun’s out, students inside. As punters took to the water, Rordon took to throwing fistfuls of spiteful spaghetti at them as they so selfishly enjoyed the sun that finals have deprived him of. Seeing the skies light last week, Rordon thought the ends times were truly upon us, but sadly they were not. He does hope that the spectacle was worth it for the keen stargazers who spent a week camping outside the museum in anticipation. Aurora?? I barely know her….

Alpacas: Distract the masses
Rome had lions in the colosseum, Oxford has alpacas in the RadCam. In what has been alleged to be another move to pacify the student masses, last Friday saw the placement of a herd of alpacas outside Oxford’s iconic library. It has been proven that alpacas secrete a hormone called ‘pretty-please-forget-about-anything-the-uni-has-done-wrong-terone’ which was biologically engineered in an Oxford lab, aided by the generous donations of our very own vice-chancellor. Rordon reports that students left the alpaca petting event with a dull look in their eyes, and when approached for questioning, would only repeat the words ‘Oxford est rex’ very softly. Unfortunately, Rordon’s absence of classical education once again left him stubbed.

Feet at the RadCam
An official complaint has been filled by the Union of Students (the current temp for the SU) asking for the permanent bod-card confiscation of anyone with their shoes off in the RadCam. According to the complainants, the recent heatwave had caused an upsurge in sock sightings, and even reports of several students ‘raw dogging’, with one witness reporting to have seen a pair of unclipped bare feet in the Glink. This comes after previous investigation by the OxYou revealed that 87% of frequent Glink users have below average social skills. Bodleian Libraries have refused to comment on the toe sightings, and say they are currently too occupied with feeding the resident alpacas to look into it.


Port Meadow Pilgrimage
Rordon ventures past the city limits (Somerville College) to investigate the pilgrimage of the scantily clad heading into the grassy abyss of Port Meadow. Groups clutch bottles of cheap rosé and Tesco’s finest pepper crisps as they parade past the hipster shops of Jericho, approvingly admired by residents who were promised a ‘young student life’ to brighten up their years of early retirement. Before getting to the river, Rordon is alarmed by a herd of horses running away from groups of students. He managed to catch up to one horse for interview, who explained he had smelt the distinctive scent of horse tranquiliser coming from the students and had alerted the herd.